When words are hard to find...

Are words all that matter? And things left unsaid don't?

What can you say to a question like that. You know the answer, but interjecting between someone else's tears and saying it just right isn't easy.

Life is hard. Feelings, brittle. Friendships, a mass of interconnected wires that could shortcircuit when you least expect.

Grief arrives at the worst of times, just when someone else is preparing for a happily-ever-after. And sometimes that's enough to bring on hurtful thoughts that had remained hidden away for months, even years.

People sometimes reach out for a comforting voice that isn't coming, while the one to whom the hoped-for voice belongs goes to church to pray, but never mentions it. And the unsaid stands up like a mammoth Berlin Wall that for the time being, seems in danger of never crumbling.

But not everything is a tragedy.

Sometimes 40-somethings find long-lost best-friends-forever and giggle like jackasses across time zones and make plans to spend Christmas together. And that's when you know, life really isn't all bad.

My latest story

http://www.ilovekolkata.in/index.php/My-City/Soccer-Stars-from-Kolkata.html

I would've preferred a lot more editing, but what the hell, it's up finally.

No. 200 arrives

I've had a vacation. It lasted less than 24 hours but felt like 2 whole days and left me wishing I had another 24 hours so that I could enjoy a 4-day vacation for a change. I feel refreshed and exhausted all at the same time, and it's lovely.

It's raining beautifully as well.

The thought of office tomorrow is making me mentally tired, but after a well-spent 22 hours, I think I should temporarily surrender the right to complain. So even if I end up yawning a few extra yawns, I'm postponing my usual I-wish-I-didn't-have-to-work grumbles to the next post.

Btw... this post will be Happy No. 200. Congratulations, looks of awe, envy & admiration, and wolf whistles will be welcomed and appreciated.

Tyred

Another of those supremely tiring days. I wish I could have a few slices of a large Chick'n Supreme. Pizza Hut is it?

I need to go to a spa. A nice spa with chirping birds and much greenery and the sea nearby.

I also need to stop falling asleep with the light on and the book on my nose.

I wish there were monsoon vacations (and summer and winter and Puja vacations) for people who can't go back to school unless they have tonnes of money.

I'd like to buy a good pair of jeans. My existing ones look sad... one has no pocket anymore... just a hole and its been hanging like a coat from a hanger.

I wish there was chocolate in the fridge. I really need to start stocking up on snacky stuff. Starting tomorrow.

Life sucks

Old but still kicking

I feel old and washed out and permanently stressed these days. The grey hair population is increasing by the minute (the silver strands actually sparkle after a shampoo) while the grey cells are getting worn out every hour of every day. I need a break from everything. I need a day when time would just stop.

STOP.

Nice word that. A pause during non-stop activity. Just press the button that looks like this:

II

And you have time to think things over, wonder, maybe just get a glass of water.

Life has suddenly become really hectic. My guitar lies unopened waiting for me to get some time to myself. And I don't mean free time to watch TV. Just time for me to be with me.

Me-time has become such a luxury. And it doesn't help that I have this huge list of things to do and feel guilty 'cause I don't end up doing most of them on any given day. I need a planner. I sure do.

I also need a computer chair. I read somewhere that 'backache is the new headache' -- and that sure seems to be the case. No matter what I do, my spine makes me feel like I belong to the paleolithic period.

I don't wish I could turn back time. Though I wouldn't mind being in a real-life Kate and Leopold thingy. But I just want a break. From everything and everyone. Almost everyone.

I'd like to see a rainbow. I'd seen one once upon a time, after a rough month while walking to the bus stop. For 15 minutes it was right there, the whole rainbow looking straight at me... end to end.

Sometimes you just know that there are angels watching over you. This was one of those sometimes.

There was another time when this star kept peeping at me through overcast skies while I stared back. This was during the height of the Mumbai monsoons, and the star kept twinkling till I felt all was right with the world again. Then it immediately pulled the disappearing act and hid behind the clouds. But my yellowish toothy smile had returned by then.

I'd like something like that one of these days. But I do feel better now -- how many people manage to walk towards a rainbow for 15 whole minutes?? And on the bright side, the internet is working today -- it had taken the day off last night.

My sister has been sitting in front of the TV and incessantly watching Disney Channel ever since she reached the US. My cats and dogs sleep, eat, take a walk, play with each other, eat, sleep, seek petting, eat, sleep all day through. My eldest cat Thomas in fact does away with most of the other activities and eats, sleeps, seeks petting, eats, sleeps all the time.

Being able to do nothing is a precious gift. If you have it, I envy and admire you. Plus, I don't know if any of that spare time will rub off... but do look at these poor lil puppy dog eyes.

Cat tails

It's a cat that gets along with me. And not one of my own. With a dirty black nose and enormous potential for growth, here's a cat that is spoilt silly -- much like my Thomas, but younger, more sprightly.

I used to have a blog called 'Cat tails' for awhile till I deleted it. Cats and dogs may be the most favoured in the world of pets, but they ain't the only pet-worthy creatures around. Manu and I once had a pet caterpillar named Cappy. He wasn't the type that turned into a butterfly. He didn't live in a cap. He ate tomatoes for lunch and dinner, and had shades placed over his Chinese food plastic bowl home lined with leaves to protect him from the direct rays of the sun. There is something called "too much Vitamin D" if you happen to be a caterpillar, we assumed. He didn't live long though, our Cappy, and we still miss him, Manu and I.

I'm glad the black-nosed cat and I get along though. Yes, he's too lazy to jump. And yes, he seems to have all the ingredients to become a white-hot casanova someday -- one of those moon-faced cats that seem to only know how to make mating calls. And I can imagine him being one of those feline Hugh Hefner type people with Playboy kitties hanging all around him. Aah.. if you happen to be a house cat, could life be any better?

PS: I wrote a review of the new The Mummy movie while chatting online last night. And it turned out pretty long -- I wasn't exactly expecting that to happen. :P

Fortune cookie 1

I may or may not be updating daily from now on... It's not as much fun any more when you know you have to. Only interesting tidbits will go up from now on.

• I did my first news story today (which required me to interview a beauty pageant contestant).
• My orkut fortune says: "Today you will see a fortune cookie that you have never seen before". I haven't seen any cookies today, not even biscuits, let alone biscuits that double up as fortune tellers.

Day 49

My blog turns a year old at 11.45 p.m. tonight. I turn 24 as soon as the clock touches 12:00 a.m. (though according to the birth certificate, the auspicious moment is after 1:00 p.m. sometime). So it's b'day time for GGG and PjC.

I've got lotsa gifts over this past one week -- all leading up to the happy budday. There's been a very cool-looking bag, a guitar lessons DVD, a smiley-faced clock, a night suit, a wallet, and tomorrow I'm getting clothes. 2008 is proving to be a good year.

The only problem this year is that work seems to be taking precedence over everything else. And that isn't by concious effort. In fact, Shreya said a very deep, philosophical thing today. She said that "Everyday seems a xerox copy of the other these days."

Shreya and I have been grumbling about having to go to work on bandh days when it rains cats, dogs, elephants and blue whales. Bandhs are supposed to be holidays when you sit at home and crib about the political parties that call the bandhs but not move out from home while munching on popcorn and chips for in-between meals and khichudi for lunch.

Yes. I am a lazy Bong. And I'm proud of it.

Btw... I have already been wished thrice. And it isn't my happy budday yet. One guy thought it was D-Day today and sent me a very sweet 'Many happy returns of the day' message. Then I got all happy and changed my status message to: ' Just got first budday wish'. This confused Ex-bf No. 4 who also sent a 'happy budday' IM. Both have promised to wish me tomorrow again. The third one knows my bday is tomorrow, but felt like sending greetings in advance. Plus, my school principal just Happy-Birthday-ed me on Orkut. Pretty cool in a nerdy way.

Day 18: Part II

Just when you least expect it, thoughts of ex-boyfriends decide to haunt you and send Mr. Sleep packing. Interestingly, it's almost exactly a month since the breakup, give or take a few days. Coincidences and weird connections rule my life. E.g.: Breakups with Boyfriend No. 1 and Boyfriend No. 2 happened on the same date -- 19th Jan -- though it was three years apart. I was quite freaked out when I realized this. Luckily, I've managed to overcome the 19th-January jinx. [Heaves sigh of relief]

Am feeling very pathetically Ally Mcbeal-ish. I just wish I could land up at office wearing minis like her. :P

Day 13

The star of today's show is Minimum the Cat (sister of Maximum the Cat who had his first brush with stardom on my last post):


Now the reason why I wanted a cat picture on my blog:

I have been wanting to change my name for awhile. Pooja is too common, and Chakrabarty isn't foxy enough. So I had decided that when I do get hitched, I won't hold on to my surname for dear life (God knows there are enough Chakrabarty-s with all kinds of spellings in the world). But that doesn't mean I'd happily slip into hubby-dahling's surname either. I'd like to go the whole hog and change both names at one go.

So Coffee Stain and I threw around some names for awhile, and came up with Chesire Ratatattat for me (since I like and have cats and have a Chesire Cat-ish grin). Coffee opted to be the Mad Hatter. Moolah is the Rabbit who's always late. Both Moolah and Rabbit keep grumbling all the time. And we decided that Dreamy should the sleepy Dormouse coz she is Dreamy after all.

Anybody else who:
(a) Wants to be a character from Alice in Wonderland;
(b) Would like to change his/her name;
(c) Can think of a better name for me; or
(d) Has nothing better to do than post comments on random blogs...
...is welcome to comment.

Day 12

This is what I will be munching on in a while. Despite the punnable name on this pack of Cheetos, it happens to be my favourite munchy in the whole wide world (most times).

I wanted to be lazy and not take any picture, but I wanted a cat photo for this post, and the cat that posed yesterday (Minimum the Cat) didn't seem photogenic enough. So I did the next best thing. I shook awake her brother and got him to pose for some pictures. He insisted on looking away at first:

He was sleepy, and irritable at being disturbed. But I pressed on:

Till he deigned to open his eyes ever so slightly:

And said, "Let me get this over with and get this crazy female off my back. Waking me up to pose for a stupid camera." And so he did pose -- just that once (albeit a little halfheartedly). Ladies and gentlemen [drum roll], put your hands together for Maximum the Cat:

And that's all folks. More bad pictures and useless ramblings tomorrow.

Day 10

From tomorrow I'm supposed to start taking a photo a day with the camera that has been rotting in the drawer of the rented cupboard in my room.

Today I reached home about 15 minutes earlier than I usually do, and had a one-hour dinner of stir-fried chicken with veggies at home, following it up with watermelon for dessert. I'm not sure why I am providing my dinner menu but I am, and am not about to delete the earlier lines. So now you know. In case someone asks you during some SRK-hosted quiz competition: What did Poojo eat for dinner on Wednesday the 23rd of April? - you will know the answer.

Nothing remarkable happened today. My life is progressing from 80% dull to 110% dull. Maybe I should date a real-life Axel Rose. I wouldn't mind dating Bon Jovi actually, if he would look my way.

Madz has been telling me to sleep for 8 hours because that will get me feeling fresh the next day. I have told her that I will try it out tonight. And she - being the teacher that she is - promised me an A+ and a star. I'm trying to wrangle a smiley face also. Something like this one :)

This is one of my most juvenile posts. Forgive me this once. I really have nothing to say that might be remotely interesting. Yet, my fingers keep tapping key after key on the keyboard. But I will stop now and avoid scaring away potential loyal blog readers.

It Rained Today

and I got wet getting off the auto. I caught one random Chinese girl and made her share her umbrella with me. She was quite sweet about it.

I'm soon going to be off the contract and on the payroll, Boss said so today.

Today threatened to be one of those days where I would keep looking at the clock and hoping that the drudgery and depression would tick-tock away quickly. I guess I wished hard enough and by the time half the day was done, the miserable-ness had receded to the background. It'll appear a little later, but it rained today. Life is always good after the rains.

Fairytale Endings Are Lies

That's what I came across while blogsurfing the other day. I don't quite agree though. Sometimes it's harder to find those happy endings, but this need not mean that they don't exist; it's just that there are more witches, curses, and Rumplestiltskins to encounter before that happily-ever-after decides to show up.

The boyfriend and I broke up two hours ago, and I am upset and can't sleep, which explains this 3 a.m. blogpost.

My Pet Llama

adopt your own virtual pet!

I think she's super-cute. And what's more? She's a sprinter. Wins every race in llamaland!

Wishful Thinking

I wish
That I could wash my hands in cotton candy.

I wish
That the sun would rise in the moonlight.

I wish
That more people would write to Santa Claus.

I wish
That going to war meant having a pillow fight.

I wish
That people were uncomplicated and unrufflable.

I wish
That wishful thinking was more than just mental babble.

I wish
That I could really write poetry
And not end up with blogposts that
End up with labels like "jabberwocky".

My GHM

Got this from Ad Libber who got it from Doubletake, Doublethink.

Quoting Doubletake, Doublethink: "I'm starting a meme (muahahhaha). Anyone who has ever fallen in love with her version of the GHM, I tag you. Write a post, it doesn't have to be very big, about that person – literary character, comic book hero, some guy in a movie, a random person you'll never meet – we’ll start a list that will probably never end."

I strolled past teenagedom and the days of Mills and Boons, Barbara Cartland, and daily crushes ages ago. Those were the days when Tom Cruise was every girl's dream. I fell in and out of love a million times everyday, but some crushes never went away.

Like the handsome senior who played Judas (the only truly handsome guy that I have seen up close) in a school play. My day was made each day as I saw his class fill in the seats many rows ahead of ours. I sought eye contact; wished silently for it; but it never happened. I didn't mind. Just seeing him during assembly was enough. We were different, he and I. He was a handsome senior in class 12 while I was a gawky, skinny, hairy-legged kid in class 8. Too different to ever get together.
I never ever got to talk to him,
And I hope I never ever do.
He was a skinny 13-year-old's dream
That I wouldn't want coming true.
[The rhyme was unintentional at first :D]

Yet, he isn't my GHM (Georgette Heyer Man) -- defined by Ad Libber as being "a one of a kind lover an impressionable girl can easily be obsessed with". That place has long been usurped by Baloo the Bear from Disney's "The Jungle Book". I can't say that I was ever obsessed by Baloo the Bear in my impressionable days, but he comes closest to my GHM -- the ideal guy that I'd want to spend my happily-ever-after with.

Imagine how wonderful it must be to be bearhugged by a bear. And Baloo is no ordinary bear. He hangs out with a man cub, has no qualms in crossdressing to fool the MonkeyKing, bravely defends his homo sapien protege against the sharp claws and teeth of the much-feared Sher Khan, lives the life hippies only dream about, sings like a dream, and dances like a dear.



That's him on the right jazzing it up with the bunch of bananas. Handsome ain't he? And he's a philosopher too as the video and the lyrics of "The Bear Necessities" reveal:

Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
Old Mother Nature's recipes
That brings the bare necessities of life

Wherever I wander, wherever I roam
I couldn't be fonder of my big home
The bees are buzzin' in the tree
To make some honey just for me
When you look under the rocks and plants
And take a glance at the fancy ants
Then maybe try a few

The bare necessities of life will come to you
They'll come to you!

Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
That's why a bear can rest at ease
With just the bare necessities of life

Now when you pick a pawpaw
Or a prickly pear
And you prick a raw paw
Next time beware
Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw
When you pick a pear
Try to use the claw
But you don't need to use the claw
When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw
Have I given you a clue ?

The bare necessities of life will come to you
They'll come to you!

So just try and relax, yeah cool it
Fall apart in my backyard
'Cause let me tell you something little britches
If you act like that bee acts, uh uh
You're working too hard

And don't spend your time lookin' around
For something you want that can't be found
When you find out you can live without it
And go along not thinkin' about it
I'll tell you something true

The bare necessities of life will come to you

With a big smile and a sense of rhythm, Baloo spouts existentialist philosophy and jungle survival tips while snacking on ants and scratching his behind against a rock. He's the kind that makes you believe that everything will be aw'right, 'cause all you need are The Bear Necessities...

...And they will come to you.

[Announcement for Ladies, Gentlemen, and Others: Have you ever known of a character -- fictional, unmeetable or simply unattainable -- that you wish you could have hooked up with? If your answer is yes, consider yourself tagged.]

Keeping My Resolution

Posting everyday is quite a hassle. But believe me, I am trying to keep this resolution; rather unsuccessfully for the time being, but I am trying. Here comes another get-up-to-date post.

14th Feb:
Boyfriend and I decide not to talk to each other on V-Day. The long-distance factor ensures that this can be managed quite easily, though I do end up calling him (but no V-Day wishes mind you) for ten minutes at night. This has become a habit now.

Instead of going out with the boyfriend, I meet up with Shreya (my soulmate by birthday according to one big horoscope book that we have at home). We set out for New Market. Here is what follows:
(1) A long walk up and down Shreeram Arcade and great wonderment at how the once hip-n-happening place has become a sad place to frequent;
(2) Orange juice at one of those rat-infested (I saw a big grey one) juice centres outside Shreeram;
(3) Shop for shoes for me (picked up two for a total of Rs.243);
(4) Gorge on 3-rupee biscuits on the way to Park Street;
(5) Walk into CCD, realize that they have special (Read: exorbitantly-priced) V-Day menu, and walk out;
(6) Descend on Cha-Bar instead to have tea that costs Rs.30 and tastes like soap water and chat about all that's wrong with our lives (I only do this with Shreya);
(7) Rickshaw ride home where we just miss running over a cat that doesn't know what zebra crossings are for.

Apart from that a few "Happy V-Day" phone calls to my former I-Hate-V-Day pals. Now that I have a boyfriend, I am automatically chucked out of that club, irrespective of whether or not I celebrate this great gimmick.

15th Feb:
Cousin's Registry Wedding.
I hate weddings. Attending them makes me sick to the core. I hate dressing up for them, though once I'm all decked up (Read: Wearing earrings and kajal) I wonder why I don't prettify more often.

Why do I hate weddings? It's because I hate exchanging pleasantries. To me that's a supremely dull waste of time.

I guess when you go to a wedding prepared for the worst, it doesn't seem all that bad. But that does not make it good either. Which brings me to my question: Can one get married by proxy?

In other words, can I hire someone to be me at my own wedding (to keep up appearances) while I go catch a movie and stuff my face with popcorn?

Another question: Who was the bright spark that suddenly woke up one day to decide that weddings are times of celebration? Cavemen and women were happy enough with the act of making babies. Why the great need for organized celebrations in the ancient world when one could have orgies galore?

Deviating from the above high-philosophy, let me tell you that the food at my cousin's registry wedding was scrumptious (a very 18th-century-England adjective, but it fits). Ate authentic Bengali food after ages, and the rabri (the only non-Bengali item on the menu) was out of this world!!
[For those that are interested: The ceremony will be held next Friday.
N.B.: This is not to be mistaken for an invite.]

16th Feb:
A dull as nails day. Had stayed over at cousin's place. Woke up to noise and the still-scrumptious leftovers for breakfast. Got home and got to work. But don't feel like working; hence the super-long blogpost that tracks all three days in sufficient (excessive?) detail.

Will pretend to work a little more and then curl up with either Hemmingway's "The Old Man and the Sea" or Kazuo Ishiguro's "The Remains of the Day". I think I'll go with Hemmingway. It's thinner you see.

My Fairy Tale Life

I'd like to live a fairy tale. Once upon a time I'd ride a unicorn to Neverland and hook up with Peter Pan. I'd trade in a donut for Captain Hook's hook-hand and get a pet cat for Tinkerbelle. Then, I'd drop in at Nottingham for a vacation, bonk the Sheriff on the head, rob the rich to feed poor me, and grab a dance with Friar Tuck. If I've enough poor box money saved up, I'd hitch a ride on Dumbo's back and whoosh over to the Jungles of India and sing "Look for the bear necessities" with Baloo and Bagheera right till happily ever after arrives.

But picture abhi baaki hai mere dost:

While I'm living my fairy tale I'd like to meet the following:
-Johnny Depp
-Shahrukh Khan
-Santa Claus
-G.B.Shaw
-The Cheshire Cat

While I'm living my fairy tale I'd like to visit the following:
-The Leaning Tower of Pisa
-Disneyland
-The Bermuda Triangle
-Greece
-Pluto, back when it was a planet

While I'm living my fairy tale I'd like to do the following:
-A pirate
-Play the guitar in a concert
-Turn into Madonna
-Fly on butterfly wings
-Fall off a hammock

Once all that is done, the happily ever after to my fairy tale will gleefully stroll in.